in the secret place

Day 100 of 365. – “Kites in a Storm”

Day 100 of 365. – “Kites in a Storm”

Originally uploaded by ArchedRoof

Glorious in the midst of a storm.

Beauty can be found in a flash, even under gray skies.


i checked my inbox and lo and behold! three strangers were following me on twitter.  one was barackobama_44. come on!  i love technology but sometimes it scares the wits out of me.  and yeah, i do find myself controlling the urge to type in a particular name in the search page.

as soon as i find myself coming to this secret place and writing my thoughts away, i know i’m suffering from network-claustrophobia again.  too many people in FB and multiply.

maybe william zinnser was right.  writing (and yes, hiding) has deep psychological roots.  i’m fine with the writing.  i’m not just okay with the thought of the audience reading the fine prints of my heart.

okay, same old ramblings about privacy and all.  this is getting old.  but maybe, just maybe, i’ll retain my FB and multiply accounts.

a bloody solution

I was checking out a link from RzO on the economic crisis when my eyes were caught by Michelle Obama’s name on the CNN header.  ooh, alongside China, Economy and other Hot Topics.  it got me thinking about jackie o.  Michelle O. and Jackie O.

I’d dare say that in times of crisis, the media comes up with an icon to “distract” or maybe a lighter term – an alternative picture: a beam of light in a dark room.

John and Jackie O. were both icons in the 60s.  Civil rights movement, integration, Vietnam War, Fidel Castro, Cold War.  It wasn’t just the US that was shaken up.  It was a whole generation that needed someone to look up to.

The circumstances are different now and the players have changed colors, faces and scenes but the cry for an icon, a hero to save the day remains.

The Cold War is long gone.  Thawed by the ever increasing temperature rise and dynamic geopolitical loyalties.  Still, the economic pinch is there.

While American society and most nations and cultures have experienced a melding, an integration of sorts, the most fundamental issue still hits us across borders:  religion. The war never stops inherited from centuries and long memories of hatred.

Will Barack and Michelle O. help “distract/entertain” the world’s public from the economy and the conflicts that rage within and among nations?

I don’t think so.

We are in a state of flux and entering a period of change that we have never ever seen before.  Ooh, stating the obvious.

Hmm…I still think I have a better icon to save the day.:)

Invincible.  Even death and the gates of hell could not stop this hero.  Never did and never will.

No need for fashion, eloquence, or charisma (a writer described him as one who lacked charisma).

His solution for saving the world?  No stimulus plans or G-20 summits.

His own blood and a wooden cross.

que sera sera?

for some reason, in the middle of a very busy morning, my lab/office mate threw me a volley of questions.  some of them i really did not want to answer but could not resist thinking about them several days after.  one question stuck.  what do you really want to do?

what do i really want?  he sang “que sera sera” after i told him i really didn’t know what to do anymore.  all i know is that i don’t want to teach.

today, after a day and a half of watching countless movies in the net and surfing about climate change, underwater photography, ecology and other stuff, i’ve come up with quite a few things i’d love to do in my lifetime.

1.  travel. go out and see the world.  NYC is a dream destination.  tubbataha or guiuan, samar.   i would love to see the most cosmopolitan city and the wildest place at the same time – the untouched, un-commercialized.

2.  write an article in a fashion magazine about identity, a woman’s struggle with body image and love (God’s love that frees)

3.  write about the love of God that’s practical, down-to-earth and unreligious.  one that the bum out in the streets can understand; something the employee trying to make ends meet can relate or even the sophisticated socialite who’s out partying every night will be able to hack it.

a love in its uttermost simplicity that can change a life.

4.  marry and raise a family.  now, i’ve put that out in the open.  it’s been an open secret of mine.  i don’t like talking about it for a few reasons.

5.  work in the UN (NY hq) as a project coordinator or something like that.

6.  give, give and give – whether it’s to someone i know or someone unidentified.

7.  change the world.  be the woman God created me to be.  ever since I graduated from college, i had this consuming dream to change the world and touch lives.

so i guess these are just the few, my labmate.  thanks for letting me think.  and yeah, someday, maybe i’ll have the courage  to put my thoughts out in the open just as you said so.

can’t hide it any longer!

Oh to be free…
to shout it out loud
from the rooftops
with the loudest of voice

To declare it to every one…
that I love you.

That every smile, every glimpse
every thought of you would
be written in plain sight
on the bed of blue skies

And no longer woven in the inside
scribbled in the secret place
but out in the open fields
out into the market place

Where everybody just needs a dose of love
yes, even a bit of it.
And I’ve lots of love deep within
a rushing river of love straight from the Source
that can’t be bottled, can’t be kept

A love so deep
A love that heals
A love that restores
A love that forgets and forgives an offense
A love that bears patiently.

I love you.

None of the Cebu-twitches

Yeah, we move on.  God has a way of touching my heart.  The familiar twitch is gone when I saw the Let the River Flow photos in Thea’s multiply.  I’d be a liar if I’d say I didn’t wanna go but I’m learning to slowly (slowly) let the ties fall and accept that I’m here and my place is here.  It’s a familiar struggle of mine.  This homesickness, but seeing their beautiful smiles and joyful faces have made me appreciate God’s grace more and more in helping me accept where He has placed me.

Jim Elliot captured it so astutely when he said: “WHEREVER YOU ARE, BE ALL THERE.”

help me to believe

that it will all work out fine.

hiding in Him

Keep my heart tender, Lord. When the temptation to get angry rears its head against me, i pray that I will always remember how you responded when hurting words or angry shouts hit you while hanging there on that wooden cross.

Make me like Joseph who forgave those who threw him in the well and declared that everything worked for the good of everyone even those for who threw him there.

Make me just like You, Daddy.

Keep my heart tender and keep my tears in a bottle up there with YOu.

Seal my mouth with a strong strip of grace tape and let the words in my heart call out to You.

I will seek You and run to You and not towards that wall of anger.

I run to that golden throne with the rushing river where everything I need is there.


my Coldplay Clocks tone jolted me from my constant editing of my earlier post.  i checked my phone.

i sometimes wonder if the other could read my mind or even know what i’m thinking.

probably.  but really, it’s just nothing.  no sense making something out of coldplay’s ringing.  that’s just that.

dreams do come true

They say kids think of the most impossible things.

A snake swallowing a whole elephant.

A little man in love with a plant.

A chocolate river.

Lemonade-y raindrops.

A flying horse.

A princess marrying her prince at the right time.

Happily ever afters.

And in the middle of that fantasy world, life and people scream “Wake up!”  Reality punches you hard.

Do dreams ever come true?

Sometimes the most impossible-dreamer kids grow up to be cynical realists.  One crumbling dream sets off a domino effect of hopelessness and doubts.  Maybe we’ll never see what no eye has ever seen or hear what no ear has ever heard.  That may be just good for the books and dreams but not for life in the here and now.

But then the suddenlies of divine origin bolt in and things will never be status quo.  Never.  It changes…getting better one day at a time.

That’s when the wide-eyed wonder comes back.  No longer the wishful thinking  kind  of dreaming but the believing-with-all-my-heart kind.  Not with my head up there in the clouds but with feet planted on the Rock.  Just because a broken man on a cross loved me deeply enough to make me believe again.

Promises do come to pass.

a love overflowing & unrequited

i used to think that to love meant being assured that the affection would be returned.  yes, sometimes it does but there’s no 100% guarantee.

back when i was younger (God i’m getting old), i used to like only those that liked me back until him.

the only thing that pisses me off here is that i can’t write about it except in this laptop of mine with all the password protected documents and in my multiply account for several individuals only and now, here.

i can’t write about it out of propriety or as filipino culture would dictate:”delicadeza” should be the name of the game (though i’ve just made it public here).

i’m praying that truly, truly the Lord will grant him the desires of his heart.  that he’d be the man God designed him to be.  that he’d meet the woman his heart beats and longs for.  and he’d grow from glory to glory and strength to strength.  may he be preserved for the things and plans of God for his life.

so maybe this post and prayer means goodbye.  the only prayer running in my heart is “Lord, you can take this away and if i need to surrender this so he’d truly walk fully in his calling, then i let go – even in my heart.” even if he doesn’t even have an inkling that i like him.

and i once thought that love unreturned was synonymous to leona lewis’ lines: “bleed, bleeding…”  i was wrong.

there is joy. peace.  i guess somehow i have come to understand Jesus’ bleeding body for me.  the love oozed out and overflowed.  that blood was love overflowing.

His love restores my soul and leads me to quiet waters.  He will guard my heart.

~the first verse I chanced upon when i opened my bible tonight: 1 Samuel 7:3 – If you’re turning back to the Lord with all your hearts, you must remove your foreign gods and your idols of Ashtoreth.  YOU MUST GIVE YOURSELVES FULLY TO THE LORD AND SERVE ONLY HIM. Then he will save you from the Philistines.

and how funny (?) this turned out to be.  writing this at 3:02am on the 14th of February. tsk!tsk!

How do I love thee?

a poem dedicated to my friend, Lover, Boss, King and Shepherd JESUS…those in blue are from the original Elizabeth Barrett Browning version…

How do I love Thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

Love You by the choices I make
Love Thee by saying goodbye to Cebu and family

Love Thee by telling You first what’s inside my heart
Love You by walking with You around the Acad Oval when – at times – homesickness threatens to cloak me from behind

Love You by spreading the joy You give with a laughter, a touch of comfort

Love Thee with every raindrop, falling leaf and the smell of wet earth
Love You by raising up my hands in worship

Love Thee in the secret place where my heart reaches out to You
Love You with the Cross I carry daily

Love You by listening to a friend in need

Love Thee by hugging a crying child

Love Thee even in the most mundane of tasks done with love

Love You by submitting even when it’s hard to do so

Love You more each day because of the grace You

replenish every morning

Love Thee by overlooking an insult & forgiving my brother even when my insides want to punch him on the face

Love Thee by giving You my first fruits every time I receive my allowance

Love You by giving up what my emotions long for

If I were to count the ways how I love You
It still would not match up to the number of ways You love me

I can count them ways.

But You, You died for me and opened

The Way for me to love You.

unmissed call

I miss the laughing dolphins
frolicking in the warm, blue green waters

Miss seeing the laughter in your eyes
and the light bouncing off your hair

jumping on puddles of brocolli juice
while munching on french fries

I miss that particular beep and tolling…
and walking on tightrope…waiting…

…for the smell of coming rain
sitting on top of a tree looking out

for the light to turn green
on the red canvas I have learned to love.

and here, for the record, I miss you.

~We live by faith and not by what we see, hear, smell and feel~

working for the government

At times I think that God really has a cool but stubborn sense of humor.  The week I was looking for a job I especially told Him I DIDN’T WANT the following:

1. I didn’t want a job in the academe
2. Nothing to do with students…

OK. Tell that to God.  Of course, He’s THE King and Boss-Shepherd so He still calls the shots.

Yup, I got a job.  I think after three days of looking for one.  And it wasn’t even from the hunt.  It was a given.  Favor from divine connections.

BUT…it’s for a DOST-funded research project on climate change based here in UP Diliman for a professor who, at times, is on a meeting or out of the country for consultancy meetings so that leaves me – his admin assistant – to meet his students to give announcements or help out during film showings or proctor an exam.

And oh, the first meeting I attended about climate change, it had data to back up one factor (one of the more important recommendations of the panel) for hunger in Cebu in the same period I have for my thesis.  Not to mention the almost everyday discussions with a labmate of mine how climate change is related to food security and how my thesis can contribute to food security and climate change issues. MY GOSH. Pati ba naman dito?! Sinusundan ako ng thesis ko.

My Jesus, i’m still in the academe and i’m still in touch with students and young people.  Oh but my heart is joyful.

HE GRANTED ME THE DESIRES OF MY HEART. I‘m working in the government.  With a professor-scientist who’s involved with coastal resources management projects with LGUs.  The greatest privilege is seeing the connection between research and policymaking.  There’s No talk about changing the world in the lab but definitely lots of changing the world stuff happening through the everyday stuff they churn out.  Not to mention the focus, the passion and the excitement they have about what they’re doing.  I am learning.  To change the world doesn’t mean shouting about it in the streets or merely writing and pondering about it.


Little by little, the passion is heatin
g the cold corners of my heart towards that dream I once had of serving in the government.

I just feel set up.  Divinely set up.  awesome God.

I gotta write that first chapter.


One day I went out

waited for a jeep

and saw a shower of leaves

falling on the road

some right on my hair

and i missed you.

i waited and waited for 200 people

to buy their tickets

drinking my coffee with my cinnabon

i thought of you.

i missed you.

especially today.

I miss YOu, Jesus.

facebooking my privacy

I read Lem’s post ’bout facebook and privacy.  I agree with him though i sometimes still update my status.  I’m a friendly person but very private actually when it comes to sharing how i really feel or think except for some people who i hit it off the first time i meet them.  for a few weeks now, my FB friends have been coming up with their 25 things or magic 25 about themselves.  i’ve been tagged for several times now.  i am tempted to jot down 25 things about myself but my strong desire to protect myself or to remain private remains stronger.  i don’t know why.

i love to write but at the same time i’ve also posts in multiply for selected users only (Rianne & Mayin can attest to that).

yeah, it’s a very open, digitalized world out there but i still prefer to remain hidden about a thing or two.

that’s why i’m here.  this is my secret place.  and maybe i’ll write that 25 things one day.:)

p.s. pastor LA’s here at wordpress, too.  it’s a more personal blog daw.


loveFor two or three days now, i’ve talked to different people about marriage. First it was with Mitzil. The second time was with my small group this afternoon. It warmed my heart and blessed me a lot.

I’ve always been fearful and scared when it comes to commitment. That’s why I customized the privacy settings of this note. To me, riding a rollercoaster and marriage were somehow the same. They’re not for the fainthearted. Commitments always scared me. Just like a job. The thought of sticking to a job for like x years was something foreign to me. Until this time.

I just found a job. And somehow the thought of staying long in this job no longer seems to bring shivers or strike fear in my heart. It’s like a new thing for me but I welcome it now. It would be good to work for a good three years – probably – in this job of mine since the Climate Change Research project runs up to three years.

The Lord’s slowly changing my heart and the way I look at commitments. And recently, just recently, it dawned on me that if I commit, it’ll be the Lord who will give me the grace and the joy to see me through. So the important thing here is to give one’s self only to the things that God wants us to commit. And I’m not just talking about marriage but to anything the Lord gives to us. So help me God by your grace.

So for the first time in my life, I’m praying for my husband (whoever he is and wherever he is right now) and for the calling that God has for me. I am excited! oh yes, that’s a first, too! hahaha and by the way, whenever I think about the times i was soooo afraid God would give me someone i didn’t like, i’d just think about where i am right now (here in diliman) and my job and it makes me smile. The unexpecteds come but they make you happy.

*a repost from my facebook note last 01 feb 2009. i had to lock it there for privacy purposes. :)*

breaking down

I wasn’t feeling well today when I showed up for work.  Cough, colds & a very tired body maybe because of the weather.

This afternoon after our staff coffee and cake, I was up on the shelves doing the room inventory and I was carrying the bundles of publications dusty with (probably) years of neglect with my stilettos and formal pants and listening to the song “Mighty to Save” when I suddenly wanted to break down and cry.

Oh God, what am I doing right now? I wanna go home and just help Daddy with his stuff and everything.  I wanna go back to Cebu and continue on with my relatively comfy life, my starbucks-tambay hours & my constant hanging out with my family.  But is that what I really want as in deep down, truly want? Would God be glorified in that?

I just wanted to break down today at work.  Maybe it’s just the time of the month.  Whoa, I’m doing things I never did before or maybe if I did them before I didn’t pass my God-tests since I grumbled and never did learn His lesson.  But this time, I want to pass the test.  And just like what Lem shared in his recent post, in our weakness there is divine strength.

And I thought I was intelligent,  there are still LOTS and LOTS of things to learn.  Even the simple ones.  Thank God I know how to use a fax machine and a photocopier effortlessly now.  Though the first time I tried sending a fax in the office I was wondering why it wouldn’t be sent.  I didn’t put it in the right way.:)  So many things to learn and I am just humbled.

I’ve had two errors of late.  Thank God I was forgiven of them though the recent one involved hundreds of dollars.  I forgot to remind my boss to bring the credit card I used to purchase his ticket. Some arrangements were made though I’m still waiting for the email of the Indonesian Ministry of Marine Affairs.  Lord, thank You.

I texted my Mom and a friend in Maryland to cover me in prayer.  I felt the strength and the joy rush through me.  I finished the day tired from lugging all those stuff but joyful ‘coz God’s grace, joy and strength were there.

It is a different season indeed.  And I’m being shot out as an arrow by God to the marketplace.  It is His grace who will carry me through.

And by God’s grace and mercy, I will and I shall grow up.  Even if it means lugging all those stuff. hahaha

eyes wide shut. heart wide open.

Lately, the newspaper headlines have been catching my eye, and yes, the news on yahoo, too.

the blacklisted contractors and World Bank (WB), the Palace’s decision not to suspend the officials involved in the WB complaint, “Job losses mounting” according to today’s Business World front page, yesterday (or the other day’s) Philippine Star about the rising prices of pork and chicken because of the high corn prices, Intel closing down its Cavite plant, Texas Instruments laying off workers across the globe…

This morning while I was at the Main Library returning a long overdue book, I overheard the librarians talking about how hard it was to find a job at this time. That remark stuck to my mind the whole day until tonight.

I hear some of the people I know being anxious for their jobs. Will they keep theirs or will they be laid off, too? Uncertainty, anxiety and yes, fear. I listen with my heart, at times, breaking for them. I’m praying for the right time and the words to share with them how Jesus cares even about their jobs.

I pray that they’d know that there is a Father who provides for us. That even the maya and the wild pigeons out there are cared for because He supplies their food.

So many exposes again. There are too many things happening at the same time for them to be coincidences. But then again, as that wise turtle in Kung Fu Panda would say, there are no coincidences.

There’s a rising “pinch” but at the same time there’s an increasing hunger and need for something stable. And in this time, only Jesus is the most stable, safest, strongest anchor for you and for me.

I remember atzi beth’s shoutout a few months ago “God is not the author of confusion but sometimes He does His best work in the midst of it.”

So I’ll keep praying for the people I love, for the people I serve day by day, even for the people I bump in the hallways and just share a smile.

May they meet Jesus in a time of  job losses, mass lay-offs, high prices of pork & chicken, corruption exposes, etc. Thank You, Jesus. You hold all things together even when it’s “hard to find a job these days.” ~wink2x!~

We live by what we believe and not by what we see.”

digital friends

i was checking my email again for the nth time this afternoon to see if sir perry had already replied regarding his exam questions when…whoa!!! did i read that right?!

M.M. added you as a friend on Facebook.

what?! i couldn’t help but let out a shout of joy! i could not explain how i felt.  joyful that we’re no longer mad at each other.  yeah, maybe not really friends as in good friends who swap emails or FB messages but at least no longer ignoring one another even in the digital sphere.

thank You, Lord.  ’twas a surprise treat today.  we’re friends. haha i can content myself with FBook after all.  i was so happy.  i could not wait to go home and confirm the request. 🙂

my Sup told me this afternoon “cge magpakasaya ka muna at mukhang lumulutang ka.”